way back when

Sitting inside the closet, I cried to myself silently. No longer wanting to hear the bickering of my parents, I escaped to the darkness, where I found an unlikely sanctuary. The unfamiliar, scary depths of the dark seemed to comfort me, although it wasn't a normal comfort. The light from outside trickled in through the openings in the closet, hurting my eyes, destroying the protection the shadows had provided. I let all of my feelings go out. I shouldn't have to feel like this. It shouldn't be this way. Why are mommy and daddy always fighting?

Hilariously enough, I actually asked my grandmother this. I was three years old at the time. Yes, I could talk at three. At four, I moved up to swear words. Ha ha. But seriously - reflecting on this time is actually kind of weird for me. I really can't recall any substatial memories under ten years old except for this moment. Sitting inside of a broom closet, in my grandmothers house in Elkhorn, crying as the day progressed. The bleeding light of the sunset hurt me. I wanted to be enveloped in the unknown, in the darkness.

Strangely enough, when I write nowadays, I like to sit in the darkness before I write. Its not some satanic ritual, but it calms me down somehow. My thoughts are pretty frantic, and are usually quite scatterbrained. My plans are pretty big too, so its a little intense thinking about it all sometimes. The shadows help me find my place, however odd that sounds. Not only the darkness, but nighttime is just a solid comfort for me. Gazing up into the stars is probably one of my favorite ways to pass time, if not my favorite.

I guess when things happen to us in our past, we hold on to them for a long time, not knowing why, not knowing what its for. Maybe we'll never find out, but I like to use these experiences in my writing.

I don't know why we remember these little bit experiences. I don't know why sitting in the darkness comforts me - its a bit eerie for me too. Ha ha. That's why memoir writing is important - its not about telling a funny story, or sharing a sad experience. Like the author of "Memory and Imagination" said, life is a journey. The memoir is just another stepping stone on the way to the finish line. (morbid much?). Some people talk, some people cry, I write - that's my emotional gateway.

Just realizing this - I lose all form of punctuation online... doesn't really matter.

Hope I'm not getting graded on that...hmmm....

bored. probably going to sleep. night.